Monday, September 14, 2009

Blog #3 - Dating

If I had my own VH-1 reality show, it would be called "Who Wants To Date A Widow?"

Seriously. Dating is a touchy subject for widows (maybe widowers too, but I haven't met any).

According to the one & only self-help book I have ever read, dating is the most controversial subject in widowhood. How long you wait to date, have sex, get serious, get married again. It seems that everyone around you will have an opinion or judge you.

For the record, I started dating 3 months into my widowhood. I am not going to elaborate on the details. You cheeky monkeys can do without that. But I will say this. I have had several first dates, fewer second dates, and no third dates. Am I necessarily looking for a commitment already? I don't know. First I need to find a guy worthy of the boyfriend title before I can answer that question. I was very happy as a wife. If I find a man worthy of being my husband, I would happily be his wife.

What about kids you say? Jason & I didn't have kids. We didn't want kids in our 20's. We were very happy being a couple & being selfish with our time. We wanted a solid marriage before bringing children into the world. 26 months into our marriage, he was diagnosed with cancer. The subject of kids was put on hold. When we found out that his cancer was most likely genetic, we decided against having children. When he died, I was extremely grateful that we made that decision. Cancer killed everyone on his father's side. If we had a child, more than likely, I would see that child die from cancer. I couldn't survive that.

Do I ever want children? I guess that depends on a few things. If I ever find a new husband, and that man wants children with me, then yes. If he doesn't want children, then no. If I never get married again or choose to stay single, then if I ever want children I would adopt. Having 9 adopted siblings in my family, I have always found adoption to be a beautiful thing. Millions of children need a family, and adoption doesn't give you stretch marks.

Back to dating. Every man I have been out with swears he isn't intimidated by a widow. I don't know if I believe that. Let's be honest. Going on a date with a woman that was happily married, only single because her husband died, and not even 30 years old yet is intimidating. Divorced women are less scary. They are glad to be single again. Widows didn't choose to be single again. We would love to still be married, to have him alive. How does the new guy compete with that? You don't. You accept the fact that the widow was happily married & in love the day her marriage ended. You accept the fact that we choose to date again, because we hope to fall in love again, and be happily in a relationship again. There's no reason to think you are competing with a dead man. Let's face it. He's dead. The husband becomes a happy memory that we carry always, but we don't live in the past.

Widowhood, to me, is about building my future. Now I just wonder if I will find someone to build that future with. Will I find another Somebody?

Let's see what happens.

1 comment:

  1. Ah, but divorced women are widely thought to hate men.
    I suppose at your age it might not be true, but in their 40s, men who want to get married again loved that I had one happy marriage already.
    But then again, you don't have stretchmarks or wrinkles yet! You're at least 2 steps ahead of me. :-)
    I think you'll do just fine.