As you know by now, my favorite band of all time is Depeche Mode. No one else has ever written music that touches my soul in so many ways. I am one of the devout, forever. I was aware of them growing up (spending my childhood watching music videos since I didn’t really play outside with my allergies and arthritis), but I fell in love with them in high school. My friends & I would spend all of our free time on the weekends in three different independent record stores in OKC. We devoured everything we could get our hands on. It was actually more exciting than downloading whatever you want from the internet now. By the time Ultra was released in 1997, I was a senior in high school, and completely in love with Depeche Mode.
They didn’t really tour for that album, but they toured the next year for the singles collection. I was a freshman in college, with no money to road trip to see them. Finally, when Exciter was released in 2001, I could go. I had just turned 21. Watching my favorite band, outside under the stars, with my brother & a cold drink in my hand was an amazing experience. The track list was magical. My favorite song (Halo) and my brother’s favorite (Home) were included. The show started before sunset, and seeing them play Waiting for the Night during sunset was magical.
Tuesday, July 17th 2001 - Dallas, TX - Smirnoff Music Center
Intro - Easy Tiger / Dream On (acoustic)
The Dead of Night
The Sweetest Condition
Halo
Walking In My Shoes
Dream On
When the Body Speaks
Waiting for the Night
Sister of Night (Martin)
Breathe (Martin)
Freelove
Enjoy the Silence
I Feel You
In Your Room
It's No Good
I Feel Loved
Personal Jesus
(Encore)
Home (Martin)
Clean
Black Celebration
Never Let Me Down Again
My next opportunity to see them was in 2005, on the first leg of Touring the Angel. This time I was a newlywed, and seeing my favorite band with my husband and brother rocked. Now that I think about it, it was the only time I have seen them indoors. Hm. Again, my brother heard his favorite song, Home. The encore began with Somebody, the song that meant so much to Jason & I. He held me and kissed me and we swayed along. We were very much in that newlywed high, each of us so happy to find our Somebody.
Tuesday, November 8th 2005 - Dallas, TX - American Airlines Center
Intro
A Pain That I'm Used To
John the Revelator
A Question of Time
Policy of Truth
Precious
Walking In My Shoes
Suffer Well
Damaged People
Home (Martin)
I Want It All
The Sinner In Me
I Feel You
Behind The Wheel
World In My Eyes
Personal Jesus
Enjoy the Silence
(Encore #1)
Somebody (Martin)
Just Can't Get Enough
Everything Counts
(Encore #2)
Never Let Me Down Again
Goodnight Lovers (acoustic)
The following spring, we decided to drive to Kansas City to see them on the second leg of Touring the Angel. It turned out to be the most unique Depeche Mode show of all time. When it started, we noticed that Dave Gahan’s (lead singer) voice sounded quite strained. After six songs, he was taken to the hospital. It was exhaustion or something. So we stood there for a bit, wondering what would happen next. Martin Gore (principal songwriter and sometimes singer) performed six more songs before they ended the show. Being there to see Martin sing six (instead of 2 or 3) in a show was too amazing for words. I could write a book about how magical that performance was.
Wednesday, May 10th 2006 - Kansas City, MO - Starlight Amphitheater
(Dave Gahan)
Intro
A Pain That I'm Used To
A Question of Time
Suffer Well
Precious
Walking In My Shoes
Stripped
(Martin Gore)
Home
It Doesn't Matter Two
Leave In Silence
A Question of Lust
Somebody
Damaged People
That brings us to this summer. I had the opportunity to see them three times in the month of August. The first was the Lollapalooza festival. Depeche Mode was announced as one of the headliners, along with Tool, my brother’s other favorite band. We knew there would never be another opportunity to see two such amazing bands in the same weekend, so we decided to go. We bought the VIP tickets (worth every penny) to have access to real bathrooms, unlimited alcohol & food, and premium viewing at the three day festival. Depeche Mode headlined the first night. My mood was up and down. The thought occurred to me that I had come full circle. The first time I saw them perform, it was just me and my brother. The second and third time, Jason was alive and married to me. Now as a widow, I was seeing them with just my brother again. Widows have these thoughts from time to time. “First time I have done blank without him.” “First time I have gone to blank without him.” It felt good though. This was me moving on with my life, being strong and happy and enjoying myself. Seeing over 100,000 people wave their arms during Never Let Me Down Again was one of the most beautiful sights I have ever seen. The Chicago skyline as a backdrop was nice too.
Friday, August 7th 2009 - Chicago, IL - Lollapalooza
In Chains
Wrong
Hole to Feed
Walking in My Shoes
It's No Good
Question of Time
Precious
Fly on the Windscreen
Home (Martin solo)
Come Back
Policy of Truth
In Your Room
I Feel You
Enjoy the Silence
Never Let Me Down Again
(Encore)
Stripped
Personal Jesus
Three weeks later, we drove to Dallas to see them again. Two things made this show super exciting.
One – with the time restraints of a festival, the set list for Lollapalooza had been shortened. We would get the full set list now.
Two – There was a group of nine of us going together. I had never been to any concert with that many friends before.
In Chains has to be the best opener I have ever heard. The way the song slowly builds into a sexy grind, just immediately gets the crowd warmed up. I could go on forever about this track. If you haven’t heard it, watch the video below. Yes, it’s the Dallas show. No, I didn’t shoot this. We were on the lawn.
The first encore started with Martin singing Somebody. When I heard the opening chord of the song, I swear that I went into an out of body experience. I saw myself spin in a circle, sit on the blanket, and burst into tears. I had not seen this song live without Jason, ever. Everyone reached down to hug me and tell me they love me, but I think I just needed a good cry. Blaine held me and we swayed back and forth. I asked him the question I had not spoken out loud until that moment. “Will I find a Somebody again?” All of my emotions came out. At the same time, I was sad to be a widow, proud of my marriage, scared about the future, hopeful that I will find someone new, grateful for having such amazing friends, and in awe of the talent on stage in front of us. Thank you Martin Gore. Thank you for writing that song, and thank you for playing it live.
Again, not my video, but the show I am talking about.
Saturday, August 29th 2009 - Dallas, TX - Superpages.com Center
In Chains
Wrong
Hole to Feed
Walking In My Shoes
It's No Good
A Question of Time
Precious
Fly On the Windscreen
Jezebel (Martin)
Judas (Martin)
Miles Away / The Truth Is
Policy of Truth
In Your Room
I Feel You
Enjoy the Silence
Never Let Me Down Again
Encore #1
Somebody (Martin)
Stripped
Behind The Wheel
Encore #2
Personal Jesus
Waiting For the Night (Bare Version)
After the show, we all partied the night away at the W Hotel. Have I mentioned how much I love my friends?
The next day, I flew to Houston, to welcome my friend Marline home from basic training (Jason inspired her to join the Texas Army National Guard), and see Depeche Mode with her. This was her first time to see them, and we managed to get 5th row tickets. I had never been this close before. I was a little disappointed in the majority of the fans in the front 7 rows (pit section). Most of them didn’t know any of the songs from the new album. Even the reviewer commented on that the next day.
http://blogs.houstonpress.com/rocks/2009/08/aftermath_depeche_modes_black.php
Ignoring those folks, the show was amazing. Let me get all girly for a second. I can’t believe how sexy Dave & Martin are! Okay, I had to get that out of my system! Martin played Home again, so Marline texted my brother to tell him that I got a short video of it for him. Personal Jesus is one of the most amazing live tracks now, thanks to Martin’s little guitar intro. Here’s my video of that.
Sunday, August 30th 2009 - Houston, TX - Woodlands Pavilion
In Chains
Wrong
Hole To Feed
Walking In My Shoes
It's No Good
A Question Of Time
Precious
Fly On The Windscreen
Little Soul (Martin)
Home (Martin)
Miles Away / The Truth Is
Policy Of Truth
In Your Room
I Feel You
Enjoy The Silence
Never Let Me Down Again
Encore #1
A Question Of Lust (Martin)
Stripped
Behind The Wheel
Encore #2
Personal Jesus
Waiting For The Night (Bare Version)
I realized that the first tour I went to was one show. The second tour was two shows. And this, my third tour, was three shows. I have already started saving money to hit four shows on the next tour. If you have never seen Depeche Mode live, you must see them next time around.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Blog #4 - ink
I have always loved tattoos. I got my first one at the age of 20. It wasn't legal in Oklahoma yet, so I drove to Texas with my roommate & my on & off again boyfriend from high school. I had done my research, with the help of the legal piercing shop I had been to, and found a good studio.
The design I picked was tiny & typical. It was really a test to see if I could take the pain. 30 minutes & $50 later, I had ink.
I never had the urge to get a second one until my husband died. He passed away in the middle of December, and I convinced myself that I needed a memorial tattoo before the end of the year. I had to get it before I started a new year, a year he had never lived in. Inspired by the song Torch (Alanis Morissette), my friend Blaine & I began working with our tattoo artist on an idea. For the design, we chose a wooden torch, with the Thunderbird representing the Oklahoma Army National Guard in the flames. Jason loved being a member of the Guard. It was family tradition for him. He was my soldier, and fought hard to stay alive as long as he could. We added small wings to the torch, with our (Jason & I) favorite colors. The placement of the tattoo could only be one spot. Jason had a port implanted in his chest, to avoid having his arm stuck for chemotherapy & blood work all the time. It was his first cancer surgery, and a painful one. The port was placed in his upper right chest, connected to a major vein in his neck. This was the part of his body trying to save his life. My tattoo went in this spot. I will always carry a Torch for him.
Blaine got the same tattoo in the same spot. It was important for him too.
Blaine & I met in high school at a drama tournament. We became fast friends. He & his husband took care of me, those first few days of my widowhood. We all used to joke, that if Jason had been gay, he would have married Blaine instead of me. They were a “bromance” before anyone used that term. It meant a lot to me that Blaine wanted the same tattoo. We both carry that torch.
We went together, with several other friends to get the tattoo. Blaine went first, because I had to go to the ATM. He also had more tattoo experience than me, and I was more than nervous about the physical and emotional pain of a memorial tattoo. When it was my turn, sitting there with the stencil on my chest, watching my artist arrange the colors on her desk, we started to smell smoke. The machine that prints out the stencils had caught on fire, after printing out my stencil. 10 minutes of chaos followed, while the fire was put out and everyone had the adrenaline rush. I think it was Jason. I think he wanted me to see flames before getting flames tattooed on my body for him. The adrenaline rush completely calmed me, to the point that I almost fell asleep during the tattoo. I felt no pain. It was calming, and felt very healing at the same time. Perhaps he is my guardian angel now.
After that, I was hooked on ink. Two months later, I got the Depeche Mode tattoo I had been wanting forever. It's the Violator rose. The outline is taken directly from the vinyl (it was important to me to have the correct size and scale for such an important piece), but instead of doing it in solid red, my artist used more color and detailed it as a realistic rose. Most people who look at it just see a rose. You have to love Depeche Mode to understand it. I love it.
Then less than 3 months after my husband died, one of his best friends died. Vince was 29 years old & his heart stopped. He was obese, depressed, and lived a, uh, unhealthy lifestyle. Jason & the other guys (that all grew up together) constantly worried about Vince. They were always trying to help him, to get him to take care of himself. Vince's funeral was the first time everyone was together again after Jason's funeral. It's so wrong to lose two people in the same group in such a short amount of time. I decided I needed another memorial tattoo.
I needed something to show my love for all of my family & friends. Working with my tattoo artist, I decided on two roses. A large red rose for my family, and a smaller yellow rose for my friends. It's on my upper left chest, opposite my torch for Jason.
My most recent tattoo is a halo on the back of my neck. I got it for four reasons.
1. My favorite song from Violator is Halo, and Depeche Mode played it the first time I saw them live.
2. I grew up (and am) Catholic. I wanted something religious to represent that.
3. I believe that everyone has a bit of good in them.
4. I needed to see how I handle the pain of ink on the spine. I don't handle it well at all.
There are more tattoos to come. They will be blogged about when they happen. I look at tattoo work as artistic therapy. The pain is an emotional release, and you are left with a visual reminder of a memory, something you love, someone you love, something beautiful.
Recently, I have watched two good friends get tattoos for emotional therapy. One marked her divorce with ink, the other losing a fiancé to infidelity. They both felt a weight lifted when it was over. It really is a healing tool.
Many (mainly older) people have asked me about the future, when the tattoos fade or sag or whatever. I won't mind. I will be honored if I live long enough to see those changes. The tattoos become a part of your body, and they will change with the rest of your body. The ink is a part of who I am, and I love it.
FYI:
No Regrets Tattoo
1712 NW 16th Street
Oklahoma City, OK 73106
(405) 702-0088
The design I picked was tiny & typical. It was really a test to see if I could take the pain. 30 minutes & $50 later, I had ink.
I never had the urge to get a second one until my husband died. He passed away in the middle of December, and I convinced myself that I needed a memorial tattoo before the end of the year. I had to get it before I started a new year, a year he had never lived in. Inspired by the song Torch (Alanis Morissette), my friend Blaine & I began working with our tattoo artist on an idea. For the design, we chose a wooden torch, with the Thunderbird representing the Oklahoma Army National Guard in the flames. Jason loved being a member of the Guard. It was family tradition for him. He was my soldier, and fought hard to stay alive as long as he could. We added small wings to the torch, with our (Jason & I) favorite colors. The placement of the tattoo could only be one spot. Jason had a port implanted in his chest, to avoid having his arm stuck for chemotherapy & blood work all the time. It was his first cancer surgery, and a painful one. The port was placed in his upper right chest, connected to a major vein in his neck. This was the part of his body trying to save his life. My tattoo went in this spot. I will always carry a Torch for him.
Blaine got the same tattoo in the same spot. It was important for him too.
Blaine & I met in high school at a drama tournament. We became fast friends. He & his husband took care of me, those first few days of my widowhood. We all used to joke, that if Jason had been gay, he would have married Blaine instead of me. They were a “bromance” before anyone used that term. It meant a lot to me that Blaine wanted the same tattoo. We both carry that torch.
We went together, with several other friends to get the tattoo. Blaine went first, because I had to go to the ATM. He also had more tattoo experience than me, and I was more than nervous about the physical and emotional pain of a memorial tattoo. When it was my turn, sitting there with the stencil on my chest, watching my artist arrange the colors on her desk, we started to smell smoke. The machine that prints out the stencils had caught on fire, after printing out my stencil. 10 minutes of chaos followed, while the fire was put out and everyone had the adrenaline rush. I think it was Jason. I think he wanted me to see flames before getting flames tattooed on my body for him. The adrenaline rush completely calmed me, to the point that I almost fell asleep during the tattoo. I felt no pain. It was calming, and felt very healing at the same time. Perhaps he is my guardian angel now.
After that, I was hooked on ink. Two months later, I got the Depeche Mode tattoo I had been wanting forever. It's the Violator rose. The outline is taken directly from the vinyl (it was important to me to have the correct size and scale for such an important piece), but instead of doing it in solid red, my artist used more color and detailed it as a realistic rose. Most people who look at it just see a rose. You have to love Depeche Mode to understand it. I love it.
Then less than 3 months after my husband died, one of his best friends died. Vince was 29 years old & his heart stopped. He was obese, depressed, and lived a, uh, unhealthy lifestyle. Jason & the other guys (that all grew up together) constantly worried about Vince. They were always trying to help him, to get him to take care of himself. Vince's funeral was the first time everyone was together again after Jason's funeral. It's so wrong to lose two people in the same group in such a short amount of time. I decided I needed another memorial tattoo.
I needed something to show my love for all of my family & friends. Working with my tattoo artist, I decided on two roses. A large red rose for my family, and a smaller yellow rose for my friends. It's on my upper left chest, opposite my torch for Jason.
My most recent tattoo is a halo on the back of my neck. I got it for four reasons.
1. My favorite song from Violator is Halo, and Depeche Mode played it the first time I saw them live.
2. I grew up (and am) Catholic. I wanted something religious to represent that.
3. I believe that everyone has a bit of good in them.
4. I needed to see how I handle the pain of ink on the spine. I don't handle it well at all.
There are more tattoos to come. They will be blogged about when they happen. I look at tattoo work as artistic therapy. The pain is an emotional release, and you are left with a visual reminder of a memory, something you love, someone you love, something beautiful.
Recently, I have watched two good friends get tattoos for emotional therapy. One marked her divorce with ink, the other losing a fiancé to infidelity. They both felt a weight lifted when it was over. It really is a healing tool.
Many (mainly older) people have asked me about the future, when the tattoos fade or sag or whatever. I won't mind. I will be honored if I live long enough to see those changes. The tattoos become a part of your body, and they will change with the rest of your body. The ink is a part of who I am, and I love it.
FYI:
No Regrets Tattoo
1712 NW 16th Street
Oklahoma City, OK 73106
(405) 702-0088
Monday, September 14, 2009
Blog #3 - Dating
If I had my own VH-1 reality show, it would be called "Who Wants To Date A Widow?"
Seriously. Dating is a touchy subject for widows (maybe widowers too, but I haven't met any).
According to the one & only self-help book I have ever read, dating is the most controversial subject in widowhood. How long you wait to date, have sex, get serious, get married again. It seems that everyone around you will have an opinion or judge you.
For the record, I started dating 3 months into my widowhood. I am not going to elaborate on the details. You cheeky monkeys can do without that. But I will say this. I have had several first dates, fewer second dates, and no third dates. Am I necessarily looking for a commitment already? I don't know. First I need to find a guy worthy of the boyfriend title before I can answer that question. I was very happy as a wife. If I find a man worthy of being my husband, I would happily be his wife.
What about kids you say? Jason & I didn't have kids. We didn't want kids in our 20's. We were very happy being a couple & being selfish with our time. We wanted a solid marriage before bringing children into the world. 26 months into our marriage, he was diagnosed with cancer. The subject of kids was put on hold. When we found out that his cancer was most likely genetic, we decided against having children. When he died, I was extremely grateful that we made that decision. Cancer killed everyone on his father's side. If we had a child, more than likely, I would see that child die from cancer. I couldn't survive that.
Do I ever want children? I guess that depends on a few things. If I ever find a new husband, and that man wants children with me, then yes. If he doesn't want children, then no. If I never get married again or choose to stay single, then if I ever want children I would adopt. Having 9 adopted siblings in my family, I have always found adoption to be a beautiful thing. Millions of children need a family, and adoption doesn't give you stretch marks.
Back to dating. Every man I have been out with swears he isn't intimidated by a widow. I don't know if I believe that. Let's be honest. Going on a date with a woman that was happily married, only single because her husband died, and not even 30 years old yet is intimidating. Divorced women are less scary. They are glad to be single again. Widows didn't choose to be single again. We would love to still be married, to have him alive. How does the new guy compete with that? You don't. You accept the fact that the widow was happily married & in love the day her marriage ended. You accept the fact that we choose to date again, because we hope to fall in love again, and be happily in a relationship again. There's no reason to think you are competing with a dead man. Let's face it. He's dead. The husband becomes a happy memory that we carry always, but we don't live in the past.
Widowhood, to me, is about building my future. Now I just wonder if I will find someone to build that future with. Will I find another Somebody?
Let's see what happens.
Seriously. Dating is a touchy subject for widows (maybe widowers too, but I haven't met any).
According to the one & only self-help book I have ever read, dating is the most controversial subject in widowhood. How long you wait to date, have sex, get serious, get married again. It seems that everyone around you will have an opinion or judge you.
For the record, I started dating 3 months into my widowhood. I am not going to elaborate on the details. You cheeky monkeys can do without that. But I will say this. I have had several first dates, fewer second dates, and no third dates. Am I necessarily looking for a commitment already? I don't know. First I need to find a guy worthy of the boyfriend title before I can answer that question. I was very happy as a wife. If I find a man worthy of being my husband, I would happily be his wife.
What about kids you say? Jason & I didn't have kids. We didn't want kids in our 20's. We were very happy being a couple & being selfish with our time. We wanted a solid marriage before bringing children into the world. 26 months into our marriage, he was diagnosed with cancer. The subject of kids was put on hold. When we found out that his cancer was most likely genetic, we decided against having children. When he died, I was extremely grateful that we made that decision. Cancer killed everyone on his father's side. If we had a child, more than likely, I would see that child die from cancer. I couldn't survive that.
Do I ever want children? I guess that depends on a few things. If I ever find a new husband, and that man wants children with me, then yes. If he doesn't want children, then no. If I never get married again or choose to stay single, then if I ever want children I would adopt. Having 9 adopted siblings in my family, I have always found adoption to be a beautiful thing. Millions of children need a family, and adoption doesn't give you stretch marks.
Back to dating. Every man I have been out with swears he isn't intimidated by a widow. I don't know if I believe that. Let's be honest. Going on a date with a woman that was happily married, only single because her husband died, and not even 30 years old yet is intimidating. Divorced women are less scary. They are glad to be single again. Widows didn't choose to be single again. We would love to still be married, to have him alive. How does the new guy compete with that? You don't. You accept the fact that the widow was happily married & in love the day her marriage ended. You accept the fact that we choose to date again, because we hope to fall in love again, and be happily in a relationship again. There's no reason to think you are competing with a dead man. Let's face it. He's dead. The husband becomes a happy memory that we carry always, but we don't live in the past.
Widowhood, to me, is about building my future. Now I just wonder if I will find someone to build that future with. Will I find another Somebody?
Let's see what happens.
Sunday, September 13, 2009
Blog #2 - Widowhood
Jason and I met in January of 2001. I had been working at the record store for a year. He was the new employee.
He later told me that he had a crush on me the day he started. I walked in with my dyed red hair, too much black eyeliner, a Jem & the Holograms t-shirt, ripped up jeans & converse. He was hooked. I was living with a boyfriend at the time, and he was completely respectful of that. I didn't even know he had a crush on me. We became fast friends over the next two months, and then he left for basic training.
Knowing that my favorite band was Depeche Mode, he purchased the Exciter album when it released that summer, just to have an excuse to call me from basic training. When he got back to Oklahoma in August, he transferred to a different store. I had broken up with the boyfriend and moved to a different apartment. From the moment he got back, we started spending all of our free together. We fell into a pattern. When we were both at work, we would talk on the phone while we had no customers, and while we were both closing. When I got home, we would decide which apartment to hang out at.
He was quickly becoming my best friend. We both dated other people during that time, but nothing seemed to last more than a few dates. He was who I wanted to spend my time with.
I had no idea he had feelings for me until the summer of 2002. We went out one night and he kissed me. That was the first clue. The next day, he left for the 2 weeks of annual National Guard summer training, and let me babysit his X-Box. That was the second clue. He called me every day from training. That was the third clue. When he returned home, we knew. We started dating.
By the end of the summer, we were in love.
We moved in together in February of 2003. It was a tiny one bedroom apartment, one of those typical first apartments with nothing to fill it. We had a couch, a grill, the TV & X-Box, a bed and a dresser. The computer sat on the floor.
We were so happy there. Jason finished his bachelor's degree, and I went back to school and finished my associate's degree. We got engaged in September of 2004, then moved to the city and got married in August of 2005.
Hurricane Katrina hit a few days after our wedding, and he was immediately deployed to New Orleans for a month. He told stories about searching for and finding survivors, the conditions of the Superdome, riding out Hurricane Rita, working with civilians and military personnel from all over the country, and the strength he saw in others and found in himself.
Life was pretty stable for the two years after that. I was working part time and going to school full time for my Bachelor’s degree. Jason was working full time and going to school part time for his Master’s degree. We had date night every Friday night, and went to concerts every chance we got.
In September of 2007, we took a trip to Southern California. We were considering the cross country move. We both had job interviews, and spent time with my family out there. When we got home, he learned that he was being activated to go to Iraq. California went out the window. He began training, and came home after a few weeks, complaining of illness.
The military doctors couldn’t figure it out, and the civilian ones couldn’t either. After a day or two, he got much worse. His torso was extremely bloated, he was having trouble breathing, and couldn’t keep down food or water. The only position he was comfortable in was sitting in the office chair, with his arms propping him up on the desk. I was terrified and demanded that we go to the emergency room.
He had to have pain meds before he could lie down to be examined. The ER doctor did an ultrasound on his chest, left the room to make a phone call, came back and told us that Jason was being immediately transferred next door to the heart hospital for emergency surgery.
I had no idea what was going on. When transport arrived for Jason, I moved the car next door and signed all the paperwork the nurses had waiting for me. I was taken up the room they had ready for us, and an hour later, Jason was brought up, with a drainage tube sticking out of his chest.
The ultrasound had revealed the problem. The lining around his heart was swollen full of fluid and in danger on rupturing. If that happens, you die instantly. If we had waited a few more hours before coming in, he would have died.
Cancer cells had been found in the fluid, but since the heart could have pulled those from anywhere in his body, he had to have scans to find tumors.
The primary tumor was in his lung. The oncologist described it as a type of lung cancer that usually strikes non-smoking older women. It had already spread to his lymph nodes too. (Eventually genetics became the blame, with his father dying young from a different aggressive cancer)
We fought for 14 months. Jason went through several surgeries (including a lobectomy), radiation and chemotherapy. The cancer was extremely aggressive, spreading to some bones in the process.
Jason passed away at the age of 29. It was a few days before Christmas of 2008. I held his hand as he took his last breath. He spent the last six days of his life in the hospital, with the final 27 hours in a coma in ICU.
When I finally got home that night, I crawled into his pajamas, drank a bottle of wine, opened his Christmas presents and cried myself to sleep next to a friend.
Many widows describe a feeling of being on autopilot, and that first week was no different for me. I had to go into business mode, handle my husband’s affairs, plan the memorial service and put together a slideshow for it. I chose two songs to play at the service.
1. Torch – Alanis Morissette
a. She sings about the things she misses from a past relationship. A few days after the funeral, I got my memorial tattoo for Jason. It’s on my upper right chest, the spot he had his port for chemotherapy. It’s a wooden torch, with the Thunderbird of the Oklahoma Army National Guard in the flames. He had always wanted a Thunderbird tattoo, and he was my soldier. There are small wings around the torch, with our favorite colors in them.
b. “I miss your smell and your style and your pure abiding way. Miss your approach to life and your body in my bed. Miss your take on anything and the music you would play. Miss cracking up and wrestling, our debriefs at end of day.”
2. Death’s Door – Depeche Mode
a. I chose this song to play during the slideshow. It’s just a beautiful, sad and simple song.
b. “Well, I’m knocking on Death’s door. Will I take my rest? Have I passed the test? Mother are you praying? Father I am saying, I’m coming home.”
After the service, I asked everyone to let me spend the night alone in the apartment. I took a long shower, snuggled up in some of Jason’s clothes, and fell asleep with the memorial flag, box of shells (from the gun salute) and the box containing the cremated remains of my husband on the dresser.
He later told me that he had a crush on me the day he started. I walked in with my dyed red hair, too much black eyeliner, a Jem & the Holograms t-shirt, ripped up jeans & converse. He was hooked. I was living with a boyfriend at the time, and he was completely respectful of that. I didn't even know he had a crush on me. We became fast friends over the next two months, and then he left for basic training.
Knowing that my favorite band was Depeche Mode, he purchased the Exciter album when it released that summer, just to have an excuse to call me from basic training. When he got back to Oklahoma in August, he transferred to a different store. I had broken up with the boyfriend and moved to a different apartment. From the moment he got back, we started spending all of our free together. We fell into a pattern. When we were both at work, we would talk on the phone while we had no customers, and while we were both closing. When I got home, we would decide which apartment to hang out at.
He was quickly becoming my best friend. We both dated other people during that time, but nothing seemed to last more than a few dates. He was who I wanted to spend my time with.
I had no idea he had feelings for me until the summer of 2002. We went out one night and he kissed me. That was the first clue. The next day, he left for the 2 weeks of annual National Guard summer training, and let me babysit his X-Box. That was the second clue. He called me every day from training. That was the third clue. When he returned home, we knew. We started dating.
By the end of the summer, we were in love.
We moved in together in February of 2003. It was a tiny one bedroom apartment, one of those typical first apartments with nothing to fill it. We had a couch, a grill, the TV & X-Box, a bed and a dresser. The computer sat on the floor.
We were so happy there. Jason finished his bachelor's degree, and I went back to school and finished my associate's degree. We got engaged in September of 2004, then moved to the city and got married in August of 2005.
Hurricane Katrina hit a few days after our wedding, and he was immediately deployed to New Orleans for a month. He told stories about searching for and finding survivors, the conditions of the Superdome, riding out Hurricane Rita, working with civilians and military personnel from all over the country, and the strength he saw in others and found in himself.
Life was pretty stable for the two years after that. I was working part time and going to school full time for my Bachelor’s degree. Jason was working full time and going to school part time for his Master’s degree. We had date night every Friday night, and went to concerts every chance we got.
In September of 2007, we took a trip to Southern California. We were considering the cross country move. We both had job interviews, and spent time with my family out there. When we got home, he learned that he was being activated to go to Iraq. California went out the window. He began training, and came home after a few weeks, complaining of illness.
The military doctors couldn’t figure it out, and the civilian ones couldn’t either. After a day or two, he got much worse. His torso was extremely bloated, he was having trouble breathing, and couldn’t keep down food or water. The only position he was comfortable in was sitting in the office chair, with his arms propping him up on the desk. I was terrified and demanded that we go to the emergency room.
He had to have pain meds before he could lie down to be examined. The ER doctor did an ultrasound on his chest, left the room to make a phone call, came back and told us that Jason was being immediately transferred next door to the heart hospital for emergency surgery.
I had no idea what was going on. When transport arrived for Jason, I moved the car next door and signed all the paperwork the nurses had waiting for me. I was taken up the room they had ready for us, and an hour later, Jason was brought up, with a drainage tube sticking out of his chest.
The ultrasound had revealed the problem. The lining around his heart was swollen full of fluid and in danger on rupturing. If that happens, you die instantly. If we had waited a few more hours before coming in, he would have died.
Cancer cells had been found in the fluid, but since the heart could have pulled those from anywhere in his body, he had to have scans to find tumors.
The primary tumor was in his lung. The oncologist described it as a type of lung cancer that usually strikes non-smoking older women. It had already spread to his lymph nodes too. (Eventually genetics became the blame, with his father dying young from a different aggressive cancer)
We fought for 14 months. Jason went through several surgeries (including a lobectomy), radiation and chemotherapy. The cancer was extremely aggressive, spreading to some bones in the process.
Jason passed away at the age of 29. It was a few days before Christmas of 2008. I held his hand as he took his last breath. He spent the last six days of his life in the hospital, with the final 27 hours in a coma in ICU.
When I finally got home that night, I crawled into his pajamas, drank a bottle of wine, opened his Christmas presents and cried myself to sleep next to a friend.
Many widows describe a feeling of being on autopilot, and that first week was no different for me. I had to go into business mode, handle my husband’s affairs, plan the memorial service and put together a slideshow for it. I chose two songs to play at the service.
1. Torch – Alanis Morissette
a. She sings about the things she misses from a past relationship. A few days after the funeral, I got my memorial tattoo for Jason. It’s on my upper right chest, the spot he had his port for chemotherapy. It’s a wooden torch, with the Thunderbird of the Oklahoma Army National Guard in the flames. He had always wanted a Thunderbird tattoo, and he was my soldier. There are small wings around the torch, with our favorite colors in them.
b. “I miss your smell and your style and your pure abiding way. Miss your approach to life and your body in my bed. Miss your take on anything and the music you would play. Miss cracking up and wrestling, our debriefs at end of day.”
2. Death’s Door – Depeche Mode
a. I chose this song to play during the slideshow. It’s just a beautiful, sad and simple song.
b. “Well, I’m knocking on Death’s door. Will I take my rest? Have I passed the test? Mother are you praying? Father I am saying, I’m coming home.”
After the service, I asked everyone to let me spend the night alone in the apartment. I took a long shower, snuggled up in some of Jason’s clothes, and fell asleep with the memorial flag, box of shells (from the gun salute) and the box containing the cremated remains of my husband on the dresser.
Blog #1 - Introduction
My name is Samantha. I was named after my Grandfather Samuel. I have an amazing mother, a dad (he has not earned the title of father), 11 siblings, fantastic family and friends.
I live in Oklahoma with my 2 little chihuahua mixes. My mother likes to joke that my dogs are half Mexican like me. My awesome metal brother is my next door neighbor.
I love music. My favorite band is Depeche Mode. "I am one of the devout."
I quote song lyrics when I write.
I don't have kids, and wonder if I ever will, or if I even want to have them.
I am a widow.
I live in Oklahoma with my 2 little chihuahua mixes. My mother likes to joke that my dogs are half Mexican like me. My awesome metal brother is my next door neighbor.
I love music. My favorite band is Depeche Mode. "I am one of the devout."
I quote song lyrics when I write.
I don't have kids, and wonder if I ever will, or if I even want to have them.
I am a widow.
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